Some Loaded Thoughts

Okay  so its been  a while. but my daughter and i have both been sick.  Really sucky.  But now we are all better for the most part.
   Things in life i suppose are looking up.  I got a part time job bartending a couple nights a week. which is great cuz I'm not a huge fan of drinking or parting. so this way when all of my friends go out i get to see them and get paid!!! and I'm hoping I'll get into this CNA class. so i don't have to bartend for the rest of my life!!( not that there is nothing wrong with that there's just not retirement plan with most of those jobs) so I'm just hoping that that goes through.
   Unfortunately things with Casey are not going as well as   i would have hoped for.  Tuesday we talked...fought... i forgot about it and left a voice mail of our daughter laughing. Wednesday  I try to get ahold of him but his phones dead. So i call his brother, to let him know allayna has a cold and not feel well at all. His brother said that he would get ahold of him but  i never heard from Casey.  So I'm so mad at this. All I'm thinking is "why isn't he calling?"  and " does he not care about allayna anymore?"  So he finally calls on Friday say he didn't have service or a phone. so whatever.  but while I'm telling him about things here he proceeds to tell me about his week and how he went out to the bar and got into a fight.  and while hes saying this I'm thinking " I thought that you were out WORKING in the boondocks with no money  or a vehicle.......HMMMM"   but i didn't say anything cuz I'm trying really hard not to care or show that i care what hes doing
   The point is that I'm not sure who Casey is mad at. ME or HIM???  I understand that he left ( part of the reason) because we didn't get along. No one was happy. I was mad at him all the time and because of it  he pushed himself away. IE why he went fishing and to the bar all the time. i get that. But sometimes i wonder if hes mad at him to. For not understanding that i was going through post pardumn. or for the fact that he left his daughter at only 5 months old and when he returns for her birthday ( hopefully) that she won't remember him.    
    Another part of the reason he left for Wyoming  is for a job.  Michigan is in the shittier and probably will be for a couple more years. So that part is Totally understandable.  His brother would call about everyday telling him about a new job opening in Wyoming and how the hell can that help!?!?!?!  But now hes been there for a month and NO JOB!   What the hell right. well personally i think it is because he  drinks every fucking day and doesn't know how to grow up. 
   He tells me how much he misses allayna....but does he really.  Is  it something else. Sometimes i think  that he only loves her; like an uncle or something but not as a parent. Sometimes i think he doesn't really want or can't handle the responsibility of being a parent.  Which again is understandable. Its a lot to take on, and a lot to handle; especially at such a young age. but when i told him about me being pregnant....he was excited..... but did he like the idea of having  a  "real family"  ( understanding that his day has been in and out of prison, mom with a million boyfriends, and all of his brothers and sisters  were sent to group homes.) then the responsibility of actually having one???? 
WHO THE HELL KNOWS!!!!!!!